My existential crisis continues to evolve over the last 10 years and now manifests as contention between the values I hold as a result of my upbringing and the set of values I am now forming as an unhindered, free-thinking agent. I believe it is partially my innate disposition and partially my Christian upbringing that have molded me into this human of service. I never falter to give of myself, often at my expense.
My atheological ideals accommodate a superficial temporal existence that directly contradict my ardent yearning for a deeply emotional and philosophical life. I was brought up to believe that being a "good," giving person would bring me reward in the afterlife - effectively, living for a moral afterlife. As I've harangued about many times, my belief in any type of afterlife has deteriorated. An existence without an afterlife has significantly altered my views on how to live. Further, the removal of a discriminating deity has left me with an external locus of control that, try as I might, I cannot shake.
It seems that thus far in life I have behaved as a "good" Christian girl so that one day I can go to heaven. Now, it would seem, all the qualities and values I possess now as a result of that upbringing have seemingly gotten me nowhere in a social fashion. Naturally, my inherent caring personality and value of service to others has landed me in my current profession. A significant portion of my self-definition derives from my profession - significantly, my job is what gives meaning to my life. As I'll frequently postulate, in a purely secular world, social connections define our lives. I have always felt a social disconnect in my life and I cling for dear life to whatever gives my life meaning. I guess this is why I value what my jobs means about me.
I suppose what has prompted this post is the gigantic lack of self-esteem I possess due to my external locus of control - specifically when it comes to romantic/sexual relations. I feel so empty for having been treated as a sexual object, devoid of humanity, while watching the same handler validate the humanity of another, shinier package. I cannot reconcile how I can possess just enough femininity to be used as a sexual tool, but not enough to have my humanity acknowledged. The worst part of this is my realization that most men value looks above all else - and despite my best efforts, my looks don't make the cut - not for any more than a sex toy, anyway . I've been reduced to subscription to such a bleak mating prospect. It just seems that what I consider to be good qualities about myself are useless for mating. Unfortunately, I value my ability to mate as part of my self-worth.
My atheological ideals accommodate a superficial temporal existence that directly contradict my ardent yearning for a deeply emotional and philosophical life. I was brought up to believe that being a "good," giving person would bring me reward in the afterlife - effectively, living for a moral afterlife. As I've harangued about many times, my belief in any type of afterlife has deteriorated. An existence without an afterlife has significantly altered my views on how to live. Further, the removal of a discriminating deity has left me with an external locus of control that, try as I might, I cannot shake.
It seems that thus far in life I have behaved as a "good" Christian girl so that one day I can go to heaven. Now, it would seem, all the qualities and values I possess now as a result of that upbringing have seemingly gotten me nowhere in a social fashion. Naturally, my inherent caring personality and value of service to others has landed me in my current profession. A significant portion of my self-definition derives from my profession - significantly, my job is what gives meaning to my life. As I'll frequently postulate, in a purely secular world, social connections define our lives. I have always felt a social disconnect in my life and I cling for dear life to whatever gives my life meaning. I guess this is why I value what my jobs means about me.
I suppose what has prompted this post is the gigantic lack of self-esteem I possess due to my external locus of control - specifically when it comes to romantic/sexual relations. I feel so empty for having been treated as a sexual object, devoid of humanity, while watching the same handler validate the humanity of another, shinier package. I cannot reconcile how I can possess just enough femininity to be used as a sexual tool, but not enough to have my humanity acknowledged. The worst part of this is my realization that most men value looks above all else - and despite my best efforts, my looks don't make the cut - not for any more than a sex toy, anyway . I've been reduced to subscription to such a bleak mating prospect. It just seems that what I consider to be good qualities about myself are useless for mating. Unfortunately, I value my ability to mate as part of my self-worth.
