I find myself in a typical predicament; not being happy with my life. As could be predicted, my life as a nurse in the CICU (what I once considered would be my only acceptable nursing job) does not satisfy me. I've spent the entirety of my adolescence and early adulthood trying to find myself and something to do with my life. I have this notion in my mind that I had to have it all figured out by the time I got out of college. I don't know - maybe social expectations.
The reality is that I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I know that I want to do something that is meaningful and fulfilling for me. I wish I had a passion in life or at least something that makes me feel satisfied. I'm at the crossroads now of practical and happy. I appreciate so many things about my job - the status I will hold after a couple years of experience, the excellent training I'm receiving, the opportunities I will have after some experience. I just wish this were the job for me. It will certainly be an experience.
Lately, I've been facing my own mortality and every day I think about what makes me happy. I want to lead a happy life - I want to know that what I am doing makes me happy. (this leads me toward the happiness is the goal of life theory). I think what everyone wants is to be happy. But I'm afraid. I have this intense fear of doing something I want to do. I don't know where this fear comes from - actually, I'm sure it's society and my parents talking, reminding me that I have to do something practical, that work has to suck, etc. The American Dream is to acquire everything one can, to better oneself and strive to achieve as much STUFF as you can. I don't really care about stuff - I mean, i do like some stuff, but I also just want to be happy. I'm facing the reality that my happiness and my ability to live comfortably on a reasonable income may not align.
I just want to philosophize - maybe teach some philosophies - but I'm so afraid. Frankly, it terrifies me. I am so afraid. I have been conditioned to value excellence and achieving greatness, and being "the best." I don't think being "the best" or at least trying to do so is doing anything for me. Egocentricity at its best - I'm under the impression that being excellent (according to what standard?) is what I need to do in life. I think there are many things that render one excellent. I just want to have a relaxed, comfortable life.
I wish I knew what I wanted in life. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I weren't afraid. I wish I could be happy with mediocre. I wish I could redefine excellent. I wish I had less expectations of a life that I don't understand. I wish I weren't having distress about this. Sometimes I think about crashing on a deserted island and wonder how different my life would be like. Any of this foolishness wouldn't even cross my mind. What if I crashed on an island and my prospect of life totally changed? Would my life be worthless? What if I got crushed by a bus tomorrow and became paralyzed and unable to do what I think would make my life wonderful? What if I sudden developed a fatal arrhythmia and dropped dead tomorrow? Would it matter?
This life stymies me. The more I think about it, the more I try to understand it, the less and less I know. I wish I weren't afraid. I wish I could be brave enough to lose my expectations and be happy.
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