Solitude

Being in a new place has made me realize many things about myself.  1) I recognize my own independence and I also recognize, despite my obstinacy, that the solitude in which I bask is not a sustainable state of being.  As an introverted philosopher, I tend to seek solitude to process my world, ponder what is, what is not, what is what; the revelations of this process have taught me that humanity's worth inherently depends on social relationships.  People just want to love and be loved.  The love of others validates our existence.  This is why Christianity is so appealing - Jesus, humanity's savior, unconditionally loves and accepts humanity.  What could be more fulfilling than that, to be loved and accepted?

I push hard against the notion that I need external love.  I am hell bent on proving that I can be alone and be happy.  To some degree, I believe that if one is unhappy with oneself (i.e. low self-esteem), it is impossible to be happy with another person.  Perhaps another person could assist one in developing self-esteem, but if that self-esteem is dependent on the other person, one will not sustain happiness.

I'm at the point in life where I have yet to discover my own identity and sustain my own self-esteem independent of anyone and anything.  (Unresolved Erikson phase of identity vs role diffusion?).  It's taking me a while to figure my shit out.  Still, I crave romantic love, even though I know I'm not ready for it.  I don't think I can honestly love another person when I don't love myself fully.  I seek external love to fill the void I currently cannot fill on my own. 

Hard days elucidate my desires. Today was one of those days. I would have loved nothing more than to come home to the welcoming arms of a lover and the hormonal high triggered by physical touch.  I would have loved to be overcome by emotion and to have let my rational mind take a hiatus.  In the absence of such an opportunity, I opted for the sweet coo of Merlot.  I'm convinced that the sweet caresses of a Jewish philosopher would tip the scales over a hearty glass of Merlot, but I'm a resourceful, opportunistic betch, and I'll take what I can get.

Moral: I'll cozy up with my blissful cup for now and schedule a prompt temple crawl.

-Midnight E.