Karma, Reason, and Dreams

I was a slave to my rational mind today when a subjectively fortuitous exchange occurred.  A certain individual on whom I've had a crush for the last month serendipitously appeared at work today.  Despite personal uncertainty, he revealed that he is not romantically entangled, which, of course, excited me to no end - the possibility of achieving happiness through love awakened my 14-year-old self.  Suddenly, my orderly mind that seeks to add specific meaning to arbitrary events encouraged me to emphasize the new information and tried to convince me that this revelation is some kind of karmic sign.  Somehow, I want to believe that my acquisition of this knowledge foreshadows a future relationship.

My self-preservative mode kicked in shortly thereafter and adamantly convinced me that I am attaching false value to the information and simply discovering this man's relationship status, one that happens to be conducive to my pursuit of this man, does not predict any imminent coupling. 

My mind flew through a sequence of the future, from love to marriage to children to the end.  The future flashed before my eyes and my romanticized flash brought me incredible joy.  However, seriously considering mating also sent a shiver up my spine - the vulnerability inherent in a romantic relationship frightened me. This fear of intimacy elucidated my fear of rejection.  As a self-protective mechanism, I have intentionally avoided intimacy in any of my relationships because the crushing pain of unreciprocated intimacy or affection traumatized me.  Also, facing the possibility of a romantic relationship unearths my insecurities that otherwise remain dormant. 

Ultimately, I would be very interested in this man if the opportunity presented itself and I would hope that my fears would not paralyze me and prevent me from at least an attempt at intimacy and vulnerability.  Will an opportunity arise?  I don't know.  What I do know is that regardless, I recognize that I still have a long way to go in loving myself and losing my insecurities.

-M.E.