Gah

I've felt the need to release a lot of my stress about work as of late.  Much of what I've wanted to express all week has already been said in October 21st's post, "Fear and Courage."

The long and short of it is I'm in a paradoxical purgatory of misery and contentment.  A large part of me is totally fine - in fact, probably the larger part of me.  There's objectively nothing wrong with my life- and, as I like to say, I've got all my limbs, so things are good.  The other contending part of me is struggling with my job and its responsibilities.  To say that my job is stressful is an understatement.  The weight of literally taking people's lives into my hands is increasing as the end of my training looms near.  I have little to no confidence in my ability, which leaves me feeling incredibly vulnerable.  Where I used to be mostly successful in school, my success has not transposed into my job.  I've been unprepared for the practical aspect of my job in school and the transition has been anything but easy.

I find myself intensely anxious about my job at work and out.  My utter lack of personal life contributes to my persistent anxiety - I have nothing to distract me.  Sure, I've begun a concerted effort toward personal fitness, but that gives me about an hour or two a day of distraction - the rest of my time is unoccupied.

I do have to admit while I can manage my job, it's not a job that I want for much longer than I'm required.  I was never very interested in this profession during school and while I thought working in this specific nursing environment would allow me to reap some fulfillment from this profession, I can't validate that wish.  I'm going to have to find a way to cope for the next 19 months.